2017 – Shropshire – Aardvarkland

Update 2: The cost for accommodation this year is £185 (inc golf + accom + eve meal + bacon roll on arrival). You have already paid a deposit of £50 leaving a balance of £135. (or for Juddy + Tipler who are staying one night only, its 135-50 = 85)A Note form our returning champ and organiser … could you please pay this across to Nick before MON 5th June as they will be removing the loot from his bank account;

Sort code: 07-10-40,
A/C: 65119360
Name: N I Burnett
Remembering of course to add you name as reference so Nick knows who has paid.

The cost of the prizes will be required in cash… but at this point we’re unable to confirm exactly what this will be, due to exchange rate changes following Brewit … I mean Brexit … To be advised …

Update 1: Can you put a £50 deposit in the below account by 12th March.

The cost for the Hotel for 2 nights, 3 rounds golf, and 2 dinners is about £180 per person.

However there will be a bit more for prizes etc, and obviously this does not include your drinking allowance.

Acct Num: 65119360

Sort code: 07-10-40

Name: NI Burnett

Good evening all … just a brief debrief to this years’ splendid tour …

I am pleased to confirm that this year’s results have now been fully checked and ratified by the R & A and so can now be published. So you can now all see where you finished. In addition I also enclose this year’s Roll of Honour which shows in summary, who did what and when … (see spreadsheets at the top of the page)

I am also now working on a NEW innovation for next year … to be called THE AARDVARK BOOK OF RECORDS … but more of that later.

Finally, after much discussion and consultation with the R&A, PGA, WPGA, BBC, WI, AA, RAC, NFU, ERC, both the AGT and EGT, Guernsey Golf Club and the BREXIT Minister, it has been agreed in principle that those players whose handicaps do not move from the start of one year to the next will be subject to a post tour review, hereafter to be known as the MTM Review ( or Mid-Table –Mediocrity Review for short !!) I am also pleased to report I have also received approval that this adjustment can quite simply be added into the existing B-o-M handicap system that we all use and love.

So look out for an amendment next year when the BoM is published. Any questions … please speak to the Chairman !!
Nick Burnett – Secretary and Tinkerman !!

Hi guys, Just wanted to say a big thank you again to Nick, Stuey and Col for arranging yet another memorable golf trip. Big congrats to Brogy and well done everyone else for surviving three days! Here’s to next year. See some of you in Edinburgh in a few weeks. Foz

Congrats to: Broggy a virgin winner, Messrs Allott and Burnett still not won, Adams handicap down to 4 (Major strategic error winning today), Venes the last member of the ladies section unless anyone joined him today. Thanks as always to Nick and Colin. I’m in Beverley within sight of the golf course on which the cows still wander but the weather is glorious unlike when we played it. Hopefully see you all next year. JT

Here, here -well said Foz. Chris

Well said Fozzy! Apologies to my playing partners today for playing like a twat! Enjoy Edinburgh! Jez

Just a quick note to say thanks to all for a great few days. The courses ,company and weather were good as ever. On the way back we put our heads together and concluded that next year the venue will be somewhere. What more do you expect from the collective after 3 days away! Once again many thanks to those that organised. Richard B

Agreed thanks to all for great three days; the pink shirt is coming with me to Santorini … Phil N

Likewise, thank to Col, Stu and Nick for all the organising, congratulations to Brogy on his great win. Fabulous fun 3 days with everyone. See you soon – Cheers, Tim

I concur what has been said above! A brilliant three days, congratulations to the organisers. And thanks to Jeremy “playing like a twat” English, I will only be playing off the ladies tees with a pink driver next year by one shot instead of two!! Cheers – Phil M (Happy to help !! says Jez)

Great 3 days, thanks for all the organisation. Thanks for all the good wishes, we had a great day on Saturday too. Aide (An honest man again apparently)

Don’t believe that for one moment Adie, well hope not anyway, always Adie Luther’s Dad to me. Guys really enjoyed yet another eventful tour. Broggy a very worthy and deserving winner. As for Nick not sure a ladies handicap will be sufficient to get him into the hall of fame. I am sure some of you intelligent lads can come up with a new category to help him achieve this lifelong ambition. But on the other hand Colin’s little dittys would have to be redrafted, so maybe not. Guys enjoy Edinburgh and hope to see you all there next year. Well done again Broggy, great effort. Stu N

Just driving back from the weekend in Le Mans. It was almost worth missing another shot at the ultimate golfing prize, almost! Well done Broggy, quite a turnaround from us both playing in the first Friday pair last year. Could do with you winning it again in a couple of years to take the heat off me! Thanks to the organising committee, a great couple of days. Unfortunately the rioja fell out the boot and smashed on our lunch stop in Le Touquet on the way so never got to taste success, will have to win a round next year to make up for it! Fantastic fun, as ever! Juddy

Good Evening All … Ok here we go with the 5th and Final (I think) email enclosing all the other info that you need to enjoy yourself next week …

First there is Sheet 21 – Performance and Course Difficulty analysis. You will note that … shock horror … the Championship course at Portal last year makes it into the top 10 of the hardest courses we’ve played … yes, at No 6. Congratulations therefore go especially to Mr Allott … the winner that day with a score of 30 … i.e. some 7 shots higher than our course average.

Also attached, Sheet 11C, are details of this year’s 2-3 ball competition … and to keep you on your toes something slightly different again. This year it’s only over the first 2 days and is based on the number of 2s and 3s you score … BUT … On Day 1 it is on GROSS scores but on Day 2 it is on NETT scores … but look out for the Bonus points as well.

Finally, finally … last but not least … the ever important Sheet 12 – Rules regarding Fines and Penalties (all new members beware). Please study carefully as there are as usual a couple of small changes that all players should all be aware of.

One other small point on the Finances … as you know you’ve all paid for your Golf, Hotel, Breakfast, Coffee & Butties … but the prize fund is still being calculated. This I will collect in cash from all participants on arrival if possible.

Well that’s about it folks unless anybody can think of anything I’ve forgotten. Remember to get all your final practice rounds in by Sunday….remember course practice is strictly NOT ALLOWED in the same week as the Tournament !!!! I look forward to seeing you all at Hawkstone Park on Wed by about 11.00 am for Bacon butties and single malt … yummy !!!!

Any problems please let us know …

Nick Burnett – Hon Sec, Treasurer and Competitions Secretary, Aaaaaarrrrrrddddvarks GS

11c-2-3 Comp – 2017 (Excel Spreadsheet)

12-Fines Sheet – 2107 (Excel Spreadsheet)

21-Performance – Course Difficulty – 2016 (Excel Spreadsheet)

Afternoon again … Ok here we now have 2 nice large ss tables;

Sheet 7 is the Overall Rounds Summary, all the way back to 1995 … those were the days when scoring Aardvark points really meant something and you had to get over 100 to win … my 102 was only good enough for third. You will note of course that Mr Adams has moved up a place due to the difficulty most of us had at Portal last year. More importantly I am pleased to report that Mr Brogden has now been promoted to Division 1 and I am sure he will now start to climb the table.

Whilst Messrs Venes (967) and Judd (935) approach their 1000th Aardvark Stableford point … unfortunately there will no Grand sweep this year … I know, I know it’s disappointing … but Mr Venes is away cycling somewhere (or that may have been re-cycling … not quite sure) and Mr Judd is only gracing us with his presence for the first 2 days … and as he has never scored over 30 pts twice in a row, I thought I would hold it over to next year.

However, I am pleased to announce that I have spotted another landmark that should be achieved this year … which requires no further explanation at this time … all will be revealed at the final prize-giving on Friday.

Sheet 10 is the Champions Race … here you score points based on the number of players competing and on what position you finish in the tournament. Our leader Mr S Nicholson, further enhanced his position at the top of the table with a big win last year. Our Chairman, Mr Taylor is hanging on in 2nd place but has fallen a full 17 points off the lead. In addition Messrs Judd, A Luther’s Dad and Colton are just outside the top ten pop pickers, and clearly hoping for a breakthrough this year.

Nick Burnett
Aardvarks GS Hon Sec and Weird Competition Organiser

7-Overall Rounds Summary – 2016 (Excel Spreadsheet)

10-Champions Race – 2016 (Excel Spreadsheet)

Good morning or is it afternoon … Sorry been up all night, analysing the election data and stats … to see where UKIP went wrong!! But still had time to update and finish the following …

Sheet 5 – This is a new one and is a concise summary of what happened last year … let me know what you think … good one for the website Tol.
Sheet 9a – is the overall Honours board over the years and
Sheet 9b – is a summary of wins etc to date.

As you will see Mr S Nicholson now joins Mr Judd as joint leader of RW Thomas Shield wins … interestingly Messrs Allott and Burnett are still only 3 off the lead! Also after 65 rounds at different courses Messrs Judd and Taylor still lead the individual round winners with 5 each.

One other stat … of the 17 participants this year only 7 have ever come last in the overall tournament … so maybe we’ll have a new donkey this year??

Nick Burnett
Aardvarks GS – Honourable Sec and Statistician

5-Roll of Honour 2016 (Excel Spreadsheet)

9a-Honours Board – 2016 (Excel Spreadsheet)

9b-Honours Board Summary – 2016 (Excel Spreadsheet)

Evening Again … 2nd email.

This includes Sheet 13 … the Current Hall of Fame … which I know a lot of you like to see … but frankly is a bit over-rated and is not as interesting as some of the other stats! This also, though, shows this year’s runners and riders and your Starting Handicaps for Wed 14th. Of course at this point I ought to remind you all that Appeals to the Handicap Committee are allowed, but only on the payment of a £5 admin fee … which I am afraid is non-returnable. This is of course whether your appeal is upheld ( not very likely !!!!) or turned down which often happens. Still as we do have a new member this year it is only right that he understands the protocol.

Sheet 17 explains the B-o-M HS in some detail, but not too much so that you fully understand it … however it continues to do its job having now produced 15 different winners over 22 years … albeit there are still some participants still hoping for that first major, aren’t there Mr Allott??

Please also note the variation incorporated last year to counter the ‘Yo-Yo Judd’ effect, a disturbing influence that has been creeping in to some golf societies … and which we have decided must be stamped out at an early stage.

Again if you have any questions that’s fine … but if I think it’s an appeal, you will be of course be charged … so be careful!!

Nick – Aardvarks GS Handicap Dictator, sorry I mean, Secretary

Aardvarks Handicap Committee:
N I BURNETT
~~S PALMER~~ ( resigned )
~~G WAGG~~ ( resigned )

13 – Handicaps & Hall of Fame – 2017 (Excel Spreadsheet)

17 – Handicap System – 2017 (Excel Spreadsheet)

Good Evening All …
Ok … I trust that you are all putting the final touches to your equipment and fine tuning the better parts of your game ready for the major event of the year … … yes, the running of the 23rd Aardvark Classic is nearly upon us!

As usual, before we assemble en masse on tiny Shropshire next week, there is just time to update you on a few Rules and Regulations, Stats and of course the Burnett-o-matic handicapping system ( Pat still pending ) … Col, will Carragher ever make it to the golf??

This then is the first of 4 or 5 emails over the next few days for you to enjoy and digest before Wednesday. I am reliably informed that Mr Tolley will also be updating the new Aardvark website in due course.

So here goes … sheet 2 is the one that shows how your handicap has moved over the years, and sheet 4 is last year’s results … fully ratified and now cast in stone for posterity.

Nick – Aardvarks Golfing Society Secretary

4 – 2016 Full Results (Excel Spreadsheet)

2 – Prev Tour Handicaps – 2016 (Excel Spreadsheet)

Hi Gents. Please see the below [Amended] – all you need to know is there. The other stuff will be emailed around by Nick in the next week or two. Stu/Nick, If I’ve got anything wrong, which is highly likely, please let us all know … See you on the 14th June!

The Disillusioned Aardvarks
The ‘Sultana’s of Swing’

The R W Thomas Shield 2017

It’s a Sunday night in December 2017. Dick Allott has just come off stage at SPOTY 2017 having accepted the lifetime achievement award for his seventeenth consecutive victory in the Roger W Thomas shield and in the green room, cool-as-a-cucumber Claire Balding is eager for an in-depth interview. What makes ‘The Dick’, tick …?

‘I’m a tremendous player – tremendous – I get thousands of letters everyday telling me I’m the best swinger ever’. All the others are very bad’.

The cold black Gloucestershire night pierced Dicks dreamy slumber. Sitting on the edge of the bed he realised he had woken. He scratched a few flaky scabs and sniffed the yellow patch on his y-fronts, ‘should get another day’, he thought.

It was the same – always the same – he knew that standing on the first tee, he would be hopeful, but knew also that it would not end well. True also, that simply rubbing shoulders with the gladiators of golf would be enough …

Not for him, the triumphant entry procession through the golden doors of Valhalla to the Aardvark Hall of Fame.

Not for him, the secret hand shake that unlocks the ‘Gordian knott’ of life.

He knew that he would be in the Bridge street café, sipping tepid tea from a polystyrene cup, trying hard to remember that dream about Clare Balding… or was it just balding …?
Weds 14th to Fri 16th June.
This year, its all at Hawkstone Park
http://hawkstoneparkgolf.co.uk/

Hawkstone Park Golf Club,
Weston under Redcastle,
Nr Shrewsbury, Shropshire,
SY4 5UY

FEES.
The cost for accommodation this year is £185 (inc golf + accom + eve meal + bacon roll on arrival). You have already paid a deposit of £50 leaving a balance of £135. (or for Juddy + Tipler who are staying one night only, its 135-50 = 85)

A Note form our returning champ and organiser … could you please pay this across to Nick before MON 5th June as they will be removing the loot from his bank account; Sort code: 07-10-40, A/C: 65119360
Name: N I Burnett
Remembering of course to add you name as reference so Nick knows who has paid.

The cost of the prizes will be required in cash… but at this point we’re unable to confirm exactly what this will be, due to exchange rate changes following Brewit… I mean Brexit…. To be advised …

So, The vague itinerary …

WED 14th
The ‘Championship’ course. Tee Off: 12.00
Arrive from 10.30 onwards for bacon butties. A special dispensation of particularly expensive old malt from the co-ey will be served by last years ‘best-in-show’, at around 11.50. Start thereafter. Evening Meal. Booked for 19.00pm – meet bar 18.30

THURS 15th
The ‘Hawkstone’ course. Tee Off: 10.30
Evening Meal. Booked for 18.30 – meet bar 18.00. Taxis to the Bear at Hodnett will be arranged for 20.00 departure …

FRI 16th
The ‘Championship’ course. Tee off from 09.30am
Super prize giving gala sandwich follows … leading to the awardation of the R W Thomas Shield

This years contestants
C. Adams, R. Allott, R Brogden, D. Brown, N Burnett, N Colton, J English, A Foster, El Juddo, A Luthers dad, P Maddocks, P Nicholson, S Nicholson, T Roberts, C Taylor, J Tipler, I Tolley, (17).

Hall of Fame
There have been 15 different winners of the previous 22 competitions – all masters of the secret handshake.

C Adams 2008    D Brown 1996 & 2004
N Colton 2003 & 2005   J English 2015
El Juddo 2010, 2012 & 2014   A Luthers dad 2001
S Nicholson 1998, 2006 & 2016   C O’Neill 1999
D Pittaway 2007    C Taylor 2000
K Taylor 2002 & 2011    J Tipler 2013
R Venes 2009     G Wagg 1995
J Wilks 1997

Taxes.
Along with Dicks inevitable defeat, the only certainty in life. Details of this tax windfall will no doubt, be circulated by the Chancellor in due course. You can of course appeal against any fine levied …
As usual the bottom of the pile on Weds and Thu will become the kitty master and wearer of the tour shirt for those evenings.

Lodgings
We are staying at the course itself.
http://www.hawkstone.co.uk/hotel.html
… and it seems the sharing side of things has already been determined for us.

Judd/Tipler
Nich S / Tolley
Nich P / Brown
English / Broggy
Taylor / Allott
Colton / Maddocks
Adams / Luth’s dad
Foster / Roberts
Burnett / Files.

If you need to know anything else, give me a ring – otherwise see you on Weds 14th June in the bar at Hawkstone Park GC sometime from 10.30 ish

Col. 07990 971190

Please could you transfer the loot across to the bank account now…. !!

GOLF CHASER … Now come on guys – lack of funding means we’re running short of fencing screws!!!

I know Col gave you until the 12th but he was a week out as the fence is coming on a lot quicker than we thought … so I need to know really by return if you’re going to make this year’s event based at Hawkstone Park.

We’ve got 11 already but we need to be sure on numbers so that we don’t lose deposits.

If you’re coming please let me know asap and then send me the £50 in the next few days … if you’re not then likewise please advise and I’ll remove your commemorative plaque from the fence!

Many thanks, Nick, 07703-784911

As you will all know, despite sharing some characteristics and a superficial resemblance, the Aardvark is not related to the South American anteater. Nevertheless, The Donald has issued an Executive Order banning all Aardvark from entering the USA! He has declared many aardvarks to be ‘bad hombre’s’ and he’s ‘gonna make them pay’ for Nick Burnett’s new trellis fencing!

Work on the fence started last Sunday after tea and is planned to stretch from Number 5 all the way up the street, past the bus stop, before finishing alongside the new village defibrillator. There were scenes of chaos at last Thursdays meeting of the Davenham WI. Mrs Felicity Trubshaw (Hon Sec of the sweet pea sub committee) of 31 Acacia Gardens called for the EU Central Bank to act quickly and plug any funding gap left by President Trumps with drawl of funding.

In France, never a country to miss a demonstration, cheerful folk took to the streets shouting, ‘Tubulidentata Oui !’ … and of course the French air traffic controllers went on strike.

Here in Brexit Britain, we should remember that Nick has not yet written article 50 of this years fines list for the AardGolf Swingfest which will take place at Hawkstone Park Golf Resort on 14-16 June 2017.

So … can you lob £50 deposit into Mrs Burnetts trellis-fund by the 12th March as they will be chasing this to secure the tee slots.

Sort code: 07-10-40
A/C: 65119360
Name: N I Burnett
(Remembering of course to add you name as reference so Nick knows who’s paid.)

The whole package is, I believe, similar to last year … approx £180 for 2 night BB & Eve meal, plus 3 rounds of golf …
Col 07990 971190

2017 – Shropshire

Phil Nic In Pink Fines T-Shirt

Thanks E-mails